How to talk after an argument: repairing the conversation

The argument is over, but the tension lingers. Who starts? What do you say? And how do you keep it from going wrong again right away? Here is a calm approach for the conversation afterwards.

First, calm yourself

A conversation after an argument only works once your body is calm again. Take a walk, breathe out deeply, write down what you felt. The goal is not to win, but to be able to hear the other person again.

The first step is small

You do not have to talk everything through at once. One small, warm sentence is enough: 'I would like to talk about earlier again, when you are ready.' Or: 'I miss our conversations.' That says the relationship matters more to you than the argument.

Saying sorry in a way that lands

A good apology has three parts: what you did, what it did to the other person, and what you will try differently next time. 'I am sorry I raised my voice. I understand that made you feel unheard. Next time I will ask for a break.'

Avoid 'sorry, but...'. That 'but' erases everything that came before it.

Tell what you experienced, not what the other person did

Use 'I' instead of 'you'. 'I felt small when...' works better than 'You made me feel small.' Then ask sincerely: 'How did you experience it?' And really listen, without correcting right away.

If the other person does not want to talk

Sometimes silence is uncertainty, not indifference. Do not push, but leave the door open: 'I understand you need time. Tell me when you are ready.' If talking directly does not work, it can help to first each write down separately what is going on. That is also the idea behind Middlepoint: first each on your own, then together.