Example

This is what a complete document looks like

Entirely fictional, between two invented people, Sarah and Michael. No real names, no real conflict.

In brief
⊙ Objective overview

What is going on

Sarah and Michael have been together for six years and have lived together for three. In recent months, small disagreements have escalated into heated arguments almost daily, often about household chores, but the pattern runs deeper than that. Sarah often feels alone with the mental load of the household, while Michael feels that what he does do is rarely noticed. Beneath the surface this also seems to be about a shared feeling of not being seen, each in their own way.

♡ Common ground

Where you already agree

Both agree that the division of tasks at home does not feel balanced at the moment. Importantly, both clearly state that the love and the desire to move forward together are still there. Neither is considering a break-up, a hopeful starting point.

◐ Perspective

How the other person sees it

For Michael: how the other person sees this

What is probably going on for Sarah: Sarah has felt for a while that she is the only one thinking ahead about the household, and that this invisible mental load weighs heavily.

What Sarah does well: Sarah keeps engaging in the conversation time and again instead of giving up.

Where Sarah could grow: Sarah could try to phrase concrete requests instead of general reproaches.

For Sarah: how the other person sees this

What is probably going on for Michael: Michael feels constantly judged, as if nothing he does is ever enough.

What Michael does well: Michael consciously tries to stay calm during arguments.

Where Michael could grow: Michael could name more concretely when he feels pressured, instead of withdrawing.

⊙ Getting to work together

Concrete agreements to try together

✎ Opening the conversation

Questions to ask each other

Michael can ask
  • What would give you the feeling that we carry this together?
  • When do you feel most heard by me?
Sarah can ask
  • What makes you withdraw at times during a conversation?
  • What would you need to not feel constantly judged?
✎ Only for you

Your personal section

In a real document this section is only visible to you, not to the other participant. Below is an example of what Michael would see.

Tips for yourself
  • When you notice you are becoming defensive, say so out loud instead of going quiet.
  • Actively ask Sarah what still needs to be done around the house, instead of waiting to be asked.
What you could say
  • "I notice I shut down when I feel attacked. Can we agree on a signal so I can take a breath before we continue?"
  • "I can see you do a lot more of the thinking ahead than I do, and that is not fairly divided. I want us to pick that up better together."
"A relationship does not grow by never clashing, but by continuing to choose each other after every clash."
Later, whenever it suits you

This is what your follow-up document looks like

Every conversation comes with one follow-up document. Not a repeat of the first document, but a short, focused progress report, based on what you have experienced since.

Short summary

Sarah and Michael mainly clashed over the division of tasks at home and the feeling of not being heard.

What is going better

Since their first document, Sarah and Michael plan the week together every Sunday, and that feels like a real relief to both. Michael took over the dishwasher structurally without Sarah having to remind him. They have not used the "time-out" signal yet, but both say they want to keep it in reserve.

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