Arguing with your in-laws: keeping the conversation calm

Arguing with in-laws is extra sensitive, because your partner is caught in between. If you are too harsh, it makes things hard for them. If you stay silent, frustration piles up. Here is a way through.

What is usually really going on

It is rarely about the subject. A remark about parenting feels to you like criticism of who you are, while for them it may be an expression of involvement. Both can be true. If you can see that, the tone gets less sharp.

Decide together with your partner first

Before you say anything to the in-laws, talk with your partner about what the two of you want. What is a boundary? What can you let pass? Who speaks to whom? It usually works best when each person speaks to their own parents, calmly and with warmth.

Talk about behavior, not character

'You are always meddling' invites defense. 'I notice I get tense when parenting comes up during dinner. Would you be willing to let that rest for me?' is clearer and less aggressive.

Make agreements about the holidays

Many conflicts arise over who goes where and when. So make a schedule early, for example alternating each year. Explain it calmly, not as a reproach: 'We would love to see all of you. That is why we are dividing it this way.'

What not to waste your energy on

You will not be able to change everyone. What you can do: be clear about what you are doing, stay friendly and stay consistent. Over time that makes a big difference.