Arguing with a coworker: facts, stories and a calm conversation

Tension with a coworker often drags on for months, because nobody says anything about it. Meanwhile the story in your head keeps growing. Here is how to bring it back to what really happened.

Separate the fact from the story

The fact: he held a meeting without me. The story in your head: he wants to shut me out. The first you can check, the second is an assumption. Write down for yourself what you really saw or heard, apart from what you thought about it.

Ask first, judge later

Open the conversation with curiosity: 'I noticed I was not invited to the meeting. Was that intended?' The other person gets the chance to explain, and you get the facts.

Choose the right moment and place

Talk one on one, not in a meeting or in a long chat thread. Ask beforehand: 'Do you have ten minutes for me, so I can talk something over with you?'

Make a concrete agreement

End with something practical: 'Can we agree that I get the invitation from now on?' That way it does not stop at understanding, and something actually changes.

When you cannot work it out

If it does not work, involve a manager, HR or a trusted person. Bullying, harassment or discrimination always belongs there, and not in a conversation between two coworkers. For teams and HR, Middlepoint also offers a format for professional situations.